The Heroic Life

i have formed a band. and by “formed a band” i mean that i play mediocre music by myself and record it using my laptop’s default mic. said band has been christened the thirteenth colony.

assuming that you have not been living in a cave for the past year, you know that milo v. and hayden p. are dating. in the tradition of celebrity couple names (“bennifer,” “brangelina,” etc.) and in the interest of somehow attaining an income through this blog, i would like to coin “haylo” as the name for this couple.* and there you have it. frankly, i sensed their connection ever since their first meeting in that hallway, homecoming eve.

now to the question on everyone’s mind: is this creepy?

my answer to you, dear readers, must be addressed in two realms. the first of which is that ineffable thing called reality. i realize that being a HEROES fan (and a reader of an obscure HEROES blog) that this is a concept that you are probably only vaguely aware of, so bear with me.

the ACTOR who portrays peter petrelli (milo vintimiglia) is dating the ACTRESS who plays claire bennet (hayden panetteire). now, this is traditionally known as “robbing the cradle,” as he is 30 and she is 18. i have the feeling that they were probably even dating prior to her ascent to legality, but did not reveal the relationship for obvious reasons. personally, i do not think this is creepy, and i can prove it mathematically. it is a widely known fact that men become more attractive as they grow older. we will arbitrarily say that with each year they gain 0.25 units of attractiveness (UA), begining at approximately 10 UA when they are 18 years old. conversely, with each theiving year (begining with 30 UA at the age of 18), women lose 01.0 UA.

now, let’s say that the range for acceptable UA is between 10-30. outside of that range at either end, you may as well befriend the elephant man in order to raise your self esteem.

if milo is currently at 20 UA, then he will enjoy his last year within the acceptable range in 40 years, when he is 60. if hayden is currently at 30 UA, then she will enjoy her last year within the range in 20 years, when she is 38. therefore, they will have spent 20 years together as a mathematically attractive couple.

let’s suppose they are both the same age. if milo is currently at 20 UA, then he will enjoy his last year within the acceptable range in 40 years, when he is 70. if hayden is currently at 18 UA (being 30 she will have already lost 12 UA), then she will enjoy her last year within the range in 8 years. therefore, they will have spent a mere 8 years together as a mathematically attractive couple.

thus, a couple that consists of a male who is approximately 12-15 years older than the female maximizes the amount of time they are both within the acceptible UA range. if both were the same age or if the woman was vastly older, then the man would inevitably far outlive his mate in terms of attractiveness. really, it’s basic math.

now, in terms of the fictional world i am inclined to say that it IS creepy. peter petrelli and claire bennet should not date. he’s her UNCLE, you sicko.

*while typing this and basking in self-satisfied glory, i was informed that this name has already been coined by the pinkisthenewblog guy. however, he spells it “halo.”
** i attempted to make a graph, but failed, since my math is simply nonsense anyways.

in my many hours of lonliness since heroes has ended this season, i have been surfing the net looking for any news and what not that i can find about the return of my beloved alternate reality. in my searches, i stumbled upon a very disconcerting blog. the oddness of it struck me, and i have been having trouble sleeping ever since, trying to figure out what it could be about. check it out, dear readers, and see if you can make any sense of it.

loyal fans. something is brewing in my little mind…

usually on a monday night, i’d be girding my loins about now in preparation for 9pm. alas. instead, i’m going to share with you my first annual flying man awards!!

BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME:

maya y alejandro.
the first flying man goes to maya y alejandro. initially, i thought they’d make for an interesting pair, what with maya being rather cute. alas, those black tears flowed and my hopes died along with those coyotes (the people who they had hired to smuggle them into america, right?). thus begat a season long enmity.

BEST NEW CHARACTER:

elle.
she certainly didn’t have much competition in this category. although her powers were kind of lame, i found myself enjoying this character more with every episode. granted, she pulled quite the boner by shouting sylar’s name BEFORE tyring to shoot him with electricity in the finale, but i’ll forgive her for that. i have a strong feeling she’s going to be a good guy next season.

WORST NEW CHARACTER(S):

maya y alejandro!
nobody thought it could be done, but they’ve collected their SECOND flying man award in one year! this was a very competive award this year, what with them, west, monica, matt parkman’s father, and countless others. this season was a veritable who’s who of people i don’t care about. but, if you’ve followed my blog (or if you’ve watched the second season at all), you don’t need me to elaborate upon why these two won.

SINGLE BEST MOMENT:

sylar scores with maya while alejandro’s corpse lies only inches away
ever since maya y alejandro stepped onto the screen with their little subtitles, i eagerly awaited their demise. this moment was like christmas eve for me. it filled me with excitement that alejandro had finally been put in his place, but the greater expectation of maya’s death had me quivering in anticipation. (and much like christmas, this led to eventual disappointment.)

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT:

nathan shaving his beard.
i absolutely LOVED this thing. there was just so much anger and depression contained within those scruffy follicles. that, and i desperately long for something beyond my own futile asian ratstache. i was ready to create a blog solely dedicated to this beard, when his idiot kids said he should shave it. i wanted to slap them so hard they’d fly back into their anonymity of the first season. (maya’s revival was the runner-up in this category.)

BIGGEST DISGRACE TO ASIANS EVERYWHERE:

mohinder suresh.
it was painful to see this man make stupid mistake after stupid mistake, and know that white people everywhere probably thought less and less of asians. come on, man: represent! he was definitely tolerable in the first season, but at this point, i’m thinking it’d be better if bob turned him into gold, sold him on ebay, and then used the proceeds to benefit the impoverished of mumbai. enjoy this flying man, suresh, you’ll probably never win anything else.

BEST EPISODE:

“out of time”
an all around fantastic episode. samurai sword fight amongst flames, suresh gets his nose broken, caitlin was banished to a crappy future, and not a minute of maya y alejandro. i loved this episode so much, i’d marry it, and have a bunch of little episodes just like it.
 
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE ME GAY:

shirtless peter petrelli
every time this man sheds his clothes, i begin to question my heterosexuality.

and the moment you have all been waiting for…

LARGEST FOREHEAD:

caitlin!
it was a close race between her and the monster of frankenstein. however, the judges deemed the monster inelligible, seeing as how he does not appear in heroes at all. therefore, caitlin walks away with this most coveted flying man award. honestly, you could watch a drive-in movie on her mongloid forehead. if you ask me, i say leave her in that dismal future. either that, or grow some bangs, woman.

i had some more ideas, but i got tired. so feel free to add your own awards in the comment section!

for those of you who don’t know, i was a latecomer to the world of HEROES. i kept hearing about it during its first season, but i kept disregarding these recommendations, figuring it to be a cheap knock-off of x-men. however, my life changed in the fall when i began to watch it online using my fiancee’s netflix account. after draining all 15 hours or so of her online viewing time within a couple of days, i HAD to find out what happened in the final part of the first season. so i went out and purchased it from best buy.

man alive, was that first season incredible. such suspense. such amazement. such possibility. i immediately decided to quit teaching and dedicate my life to blogging about this wonderful show during its second season.

unfortunately, this blog has not had quite the monetary yield i expected from it.

none the less, i eagerly awaited each monday night with a warm fuzzy feeling. i would then blog my review of the episode, and subsequently post predictions and other random thoughts i may have had throughout the week. i suppose it was my way of delving further into the realm of HEROES and refusing to let go. and although i still enjoy HEROES, i must be honest here:

the second season left much to be desired.

(WARNING! SPOILER FOR AMERICAN HISTORY X BELOW!)

the second season was kind of like that moment at the end of american history x, when edward furlong’s character gets shot in the school bathroom. he spent so much of his youth as a pompous, little neo-nazi, but then decides to turn his life around after a thought-provoking evening with his brother. there was so much promise, so much potential. but the next day, he gets iced by someone he had pissed off in his past.

in much the same way, the second season kind of sucked to begin with. the introduction of lame characters, an avalanche of storylines, and the pace of a lethargic snail all contributed to this. and just when it was starting to get good, its life was ended (incidentally, by some pissed off people). we can only hope new life is breathed into the show when it is revived for volume three. i mean, i do plan on attending HEROES conventions in the distant future.

(coming next: second season awards!)

i have discovered that i have the ability to microsoft paint the future. i blacked out the other day, and when i became conscious, this is what i discovered

 

i’m not entirely sure, but i think it has something to do with how i’m going to spend my time until season 3.

SPOILERS FOR ALL! FINE. SPOILERS FOR SOME, LITTLE AMERICAN FLAGS FOR OTHERS!

well, i have a new reason to hate suresh. but i shouldn’t get ahead of myself. overall, the episode was much more climactic than i thought it would be. satisfactory denouement, with the exception of the niki/micah/monicah storyline, which doesn’t fit in anywhere. let us start there.

micah “tells” his cell phone to locate monicah, which just DID NOT impress me. such technology exists and is widely available. one need not a special ability to accomplish this. an upgraded cell phone plan will do. meanwhile, niki seemed absolutely bewildered at his “ability,” as if it were the very first time he revealed it to her (perhaps the shanti virus took some of her memory). so she goes in and saves a pathetic monica. bah. what a waste of heroes airtime. monica is boring. the ever-increasing awkwardness of micah’s adolescence is painful to watch. niki was NEVER interesting. i feel as though the writers didn’t really know what to do with niki and micah this season, so they decided to go off on this little tangent, hoping to eventually connect it to the main storyline. for all i care, they can stay on strike if this is the kind of crap for which they’re getting paid. i will admit, however, that i did like the homage to DL with niki taking on the role of firefighter. as for niki’s death? meh. i won’t having any trouble sleeping because of this.

hiro’s mini-duel with peter petrelli entertained me greatly. the giggling i have referred to in earlier blogs returned with a vengence during this scene. they did a good job of making it seem as though hiro would prove a formidable adversary. alas, poor hiro. matt and nathan’s entrance into this episode was HILARIOUS. it made me think of nathan’s earlier claim in the season of not being a cargo plane. plus, we had hiro’s reunion with “flying man!” which made for just too much funny. i don’t even know why you’d bring matt to this battle. if i were nathan, i’d be like, “umm…wait in the car.” and he’d be like, “can you at least give me the keys so i can put a window down?” and i’d be like, “no.” (then again, they didn’t have a car.) honestly, though, how demeaning must it have been for matt to be scooted HALFway down the hall on his bottom by peter? if i’m going down in an epic battle, i’d better half some wicked scar to show for it. not just some dust and on the seat of my pants.

two things to note about the conclusion of that fight:

1. hiro’s transportation of adam to a grave? very clever and macabre, but seemed too much an afterthought. i think i almost missed it when i blinked once.
2. when they were in that room the virus was stored in, which also contained a brain and other random things, i could NOT stop thinking about a similar room in the ministry of magic, from harry potter.

nathan’s press conference was kind of awkward, for reasons i cannot quite put into words yet. his assassination was fantastic, if not entirely predictable. it was time his character made an exit. i always liked him, but he seemed like the vestigial tail on the body of the second season. (as a side note, i think HRG shot him on the company’s orders.

finally, i was so incredibly pleased when sylar shot maya, and then i was so incredibly displeased when suresh saved her. i thought that the people at nbc must have read my post, “an open letter to characters i would like sylar to kill,” and that they found many of my arguments very persuasive. but then i realized that practically noone reads my post. also, i may have mentioned earlier that i love sylar’s character and i am very pleased that he has his powers again. i really do hope they take him in a new direction, though.

oh yeah, i almost forgot. something boring and inconsequential happened with claire and HRG.

stay tuned for an analysis of season two, the revelation of my own power, and pictures!

when kensei’s sword pierced your flesh
i was supposed to be happy, since you’re the bad guy.

but my happiness came upon seing that
blood streaked street, knowing you had lived
to fight another day.

my hopes were confirmed when you, mended,
appeared on the beach of season two and soon
ate another brain.

but alas!

the power was not yours!

this, however, did not make you any less powerful
for your courage carried you out of that jungle and into
the hands of the bane of my existence: maya y alejandro!

you endured their collective idiocy with the patience of a stone.
you listened to their foreign words, knowing they were talking about you.
you hit that stupid kid in the head with a stone.

and then:

like an old sage you showed her the strength within,
and risking your own life, taught her to control her gift.
(concealing the strings all the while)

alejandro, in his ignorance, tried to thwart your seduction,
but like a young king arthur in reverse you sunk your sword
into his gut and he sank like a stone, an action which
proved you the true heir of the heroic.

rejoice! as your mouth tastes that
of the still living, still naive sister!

rejoice! as her powers will soon
be yours!

rejoice! as you reclaim your seat
of glory!

rejoice!

want to know what’s going to happen in the season finale of heroes, but don’t want to wait until monday? well, friend, you have come to the right place! here are my hauntingly accurate predictions for next week’s episode:

• maya finds out that sylar killed her brother. after an initial reaction of anger, she soon realizes that she never really liked alejandro either. she sends sylar an e-thank you card.
• niki sets out to save monica from the street gang. at first, they refuse to speak to her. but then she says, “nah, it’s aight. i was married to a black man. he got iced a few months ago by some cracka.” a serious discussion ensues about the negative portrayal of women in gangsta rap, the use of the ‘n’ word, and the sense of satisfaction one can receive from helping others. eyes are opened. lives are changed.
• elle’s ability to shoot electricity from her hands fails to impress millions of viewers.

• an epic battle occurs between peter, nathan, matt, hiro, and adam. this becomes the single greatest moment of my life.
• the single saddest moment of my life juxtaposes and subsequently eradicates any previous happiness i felt as i realize there will not be another new heroes episode for almost a year =(