The Heroic Life

here is a teaser for the upcoming volume of heroes, assuming that i will still be alive by the time it hits the air:

i have read in various places that this next volume is going to introduce a bevy of new villains and that they may band together (think legion of doom?) to fight the heroes. if so, i hope that they have a rad meeting place on a skull-shaped island or something along those lines, and i hope they elect sylar as the president of their motley crew. what could be even better: in my opinion, three episodes detailing the election of the secretary, treasurer and historian for said villainous organization.

in the coming days i will offer up some of my infamously accurate predictions for volume 3. however, i need some time to make sense of the teasers out there. the videos posted on youtube are all so effing dark and i can’t hear a damn thing, even though i know the characters are speaking and emitting sound. maybe that is because all of the teasers are bootlegged from some film festival.

historically, though, i tend to get more enjoyment out of the dark death and destruction kinds of points in epic storylines, such as the empire strikes back of star wars, the half-blood prince of harry potter, and [insert third example here]. volume 3 of heroes will hopefully fufill my thirst for fictional blood.

i have formed a band. and by “formed a band” i mean that i play mediocre music by myself and record it using my laptop’s default mic. said band has been christened the thirteenth colony.

assuming that you have not been living in a cave for the past year, you know that milo v. and hayden p. are dating. in the tradition of celebrity couple names (“bennifer,” “brangelina,” etc.) and in the interest of somehow attaining an income through this blog, i would like to coin “haylo” as the name for this couple.* and there you have it. frankly, i sensed their connection ever since their first meeting in that hallway, homecoming eve.

now to the question on everyone’s mind: is this creepy?

my answer to you, dear readers, must be addressed in two realms. the first of which is that ineffable thing called reality. i realize that being a HEROES fan (and a reader of an obscure HEROES blog) that this is a concept that you are probably only vaguely aware of, so bear with me.

the ACTOR who portrays peter petrelli (milo vintimiglia) is dating the ACTRESS who plays claire bennet (hayden panetteire). now, this is traditionally known as “robbing the cradle,” as he is 30 and she is 18. i have the feeling that they were probably even dating prior to her ascent to legality, but did not reveal the relationship for obvious reasons. personally, i do not think this is creepy, and i can prove it mathematically. it is a widely known fact that men become more attractive as they grow older. we will arbitrarily say that with each year they gain 0.25 units of attractiveness (UA), begining at approximately 10 UA when they are 18 years old. conversely, with each theiving year (begining with 30 UA at the age of 18), women lose 01.0 UA.

now, let’s say that the range for acceptable UA is between 10-30. outside of that range at either end, you may as well befriend the elephant man in order to raise your self esteem.

if milo is currently at 20 UA, then he will enjoy his last year within the acceptable range in 40 years, when he is 60. if hayden is currently at 30 UA, then she will enjoy her last year within the range in 20 years, when she is 38. therefore, they will have spent 20 years together as a mathematically attractive couple.

let’s suppose they are both the same age. if milo is currently at 20 UA, then he will enjoy his last year within the acceptable range in 40 years, when he is 70. if hayden is currently at 18 UA (being 30 she will have already lost 12 UA), then she will enjoy her last year within the range in 8 years. therefore, they will have spent a mere 8 years together as a mathematically attractive couple.

thus, a couple that consists of a male who is approximately 12-15 years older than the female maximizes the amount of time they are both within the acceptible UA range. if both were the same age or if the woman was vastly older, then the man would inevitably far outlive his mate in terms of attractiveness. really, it’s basic math.

now, in terms of the fictional world i am inclined to say that it IS creepy. peter petrelli and claire bennet should not date. he’s her UNCLE, you sicko.

*while typing this and basking in self-satisfied glory, i was informed that this name has already been coined by the pinkisthenewblog guy. however, he spells it “halo.”
** i attempted to make a graph, but failed, since my math is simply nonsense anyways.